FUNNIES

 

My best friends wag their tails, not their tongues.

First Time at a Dog Show
by Allene Black


First time at a dog show. I'll tell you quite plain
I'll never, no never, go near one again.
The breeder said, "Show Him" When I bought the dog.
I showed him all right -the whole place was agog.

They gave me a number, they gave me a pin
But I couldn’t bear to stick the thing in,
So I rushed to a shop and brought some clear glue
And stuck the card on his back in the loo.

We arrived at the ring side to find we were first,
In the dog pup class (this part was the first)
We marched in together as fast as was able
Arrived at the judge, who said, "Up on the table".

This really surprised me, my skirt was quite tight.
And I just couldn't make it, try as hard as I might.
The Judge looked quite worried, he said. "Listen here-
Put your dog on the table, not you my dear!"

By now I was trembling, I felt such fool
But I said to myself "play it cool, play it cool
How old? said the judge, and I heard him quite clear
Well really! I thought and said "Thirty Next Year"

The Steward, poor fellow, threw some kind of fit
He spluttered, he coughed, and his eyes ran a bit.
I'd Have that cough seen to, "I said to him when
He'd finally stopped....then started again.

"Once round the ring dear, as quick as you can"
Said the Judge, so I did, I just ran and ran
But when I arrived (out of Breath I admit)
The judge said, "Your dog dear"- I felt such a twit!

Off round once again, I kept my head bent
Oh the shame, my pup crouched, he just went and went!
The lady came running with bucket and spade
With manure so pricey, she had got it made!

We came back to the Judge who said with a frown
"Stand your dog" I said, "Please Sir, he's not lying down"
"You can take the first prize stand, "he said. I said "TA"
What a job I had getting the stand in the car!!
 

There is a very fine line between hobby and Insanity!

 

THE STANDARD OF THE BREEDER/OWNER/HANDLER

GENERAL CHARACTERISTICS
The ideal is an energetic, far-sighted creature with the courage and
perseverance of a hound and natural antipathy for losing. He should appear neither clumsy nor awkward, as a certain amount of speed and agility is essential while doing his thing. He is usually found in packs at dog shows.

HEAD
The width between the ears varies with wins and losses. Surmounted by a topknot of long or short hair, either flat, wavy or rather curly, on
occasion may be thinning at the top or completely bald, but the latter is
rare on the female. The male is sometimes bearded - again this is rare on the female but not unheard of.

NOSE
A pinkish tinge during the summer months. This should not be penalized on an otherwise first-class specimen.

EARS
In proportion to the head. Ability to listen while in the company of elder
and wiser breeders is to be greatly desired.

MOUTH
Large enough to put a foot in. A slight bulge in the jaw denotes liver bait.

BODY
Short -coupled variety, usually plump and well padded in hindquarters,
flabbiness to be penalized. Long -coupled variety, lean and sinewy. Extra size being no disadvantage in either variety provided it does not interfere with freedom of action.

SHOULDERS
Never drooping. Broad enough for slapping or crying on.

BACK
Muscular and strong - however, occasional stiffness due to leaning over
large dogs or crouching behind small dogs is permissible.

CHEST
Room for plenty of heart.

FOREARMS
Flexible and well- muscled, caused by lifting crates, putting up tents,
carrying dogs and much grooming.

HANDS
A working specimen will have short chewed nails - signs of length or loss shall be penalized accordingly.

LEGS AND FEET
Very muscular and flexible. Endurance is not of great importance. Knees well bent and pitted by small stones from kneeling outdoors.

COLOR
Immaterial. Green color denoting envy or red color denoting rage is a
disqualification.

TEMPERAMENT
Aloof and dignified, even elegant while working. A cheerful, spirited and tractable disposition desired when in the company of the pack. Shyness among strangers is not considered a fault, however, rumor mongering and viciousness in any degree is a disqualification.

GENERAL FAULTS
Over grooming, tardiness in arriving for class, bad sportsmanship and
backbiting.

What Adverts Actually mean

Noted Judge ...........................He put up our dog
Respected Judge .................He put up our dog twice
Esteemed Judge ...........He puts up anything that crawls
Shown Sparingly ..........Only when we had it in the bag
Show Prospect ......He has 4 legs, 2 eyes, 2 ears, 1 tail
Finished in 5 shows ......And 89 where he failed to win a ribbon
Won in heavy competition.....Others were revoltingly overweight
Multiple group winner..............At 2 puppy matches
Well Balanced ...............Straight as a stick, front and rear
Quiet gentle natured ..................After 4 valiums
Excels in type & style......However, moves like a spider on speed
Large boned..........................Looks like a Clydesdale
Good bite .....................Missed the judge, got the steward
Lovely head.....................2 eyes, 2 ears, 1 mouth, 1 nose
Excels in movement ....If he gets loose, put on your running shoes
Handled brilliantly by................Nobody else can get near him
Won in stiff competition.........Beat 4 puppies and a 9 year old  
Great stud dog ............Mounts anything that can fog a mirror
Loves children ................For breakfast, lunch and dinner
Wins another Best In Show ......His second, under the same judge, our uncle

 

Shakespeare for Dogs

"To Be or not to be, that is the question"
(Shall we breed this season)

"Much ado about nothing"
(False Pregnancy)

"What fools these mortals be"
(They just bought their third dog)

"Assume a virtue if you have it not"
(Be a Good loser)

"What light through yonder window breaks"
(Up all night whelping)

"Nor let the rain of heaven wet this place"
(The prayer of all outdoor show committees)

"Double, double toil and trouble, Fire burn and
cauldron bubble"
(Ringside Gossip)

"Like a fountain with a hunderd spouts"
(Male dog going for a walk)

 

A few things I've learned......
by Suzi Szeremy


I've learned that if you wear gold lame shoes while showing your dog, no one will remember the dog but they'll never forget your feet.

I've learned that everyone else looks like their dog, not me.

I've learned that the most attractive outfits, the ones that make you look 15 lbs. lighter and three inches taller, don't come with pockets.

I've learned that the words, "Congratulations, you have the better dog," doesn't sound anything like those words when you clench your teeth and swallow your tongue as you say them.

I've learned that if the words, "Congratulations, you have the better dog," are said to you, they're never said loud enough.

I've learned that your dog's performance in the ring is directly related to whether or not you have friends coming to watch you.

Just how badly you and your dog do has everything to do with how many witnesses are present to watch you.

I've learned that there IS no graceful way to recover from a fall in the ring when your dress flies over your head and catches on your front teeth.

I've learned that when you have a dog that's on a winning tear, you suddenly have friends who are people you don't know.

I've learned that when you make a major mistake in the ring, clutching at your chest and yelling, "It's the big one" doesn't fool anyone, least of all your dog who only looks embarrassed.

I've learned that W.C.Fields had it right when he said to avoid working next to children because they steal the show.

I've learned never to tell a judge they have food in their teeth, particularly when they're examining your dog's bite.

I've learned that some judges have no sense of humor.

I've learned that large dogs make fools of people unused to showing a dog of that size while toy dogs are quickly dispatched by people accustomed to showing a far bigger dog.

I've learned that next to needlepoint stores, dog show vendors are the most trusting when it comes to taking personal checks.

I've learned that picking up your own dog's waste with a skimpy paper towel isn't as revolting as picking up someone else's dog waste with a front end loader.

My dogs have learned that someone else's bait is always tastier than what I give them.

I've learned that the very best parking spaces have orange cones saving them for someone else.

I've learned that orange cones crush pretty easily.

I've found that the very best people - and the very worst - can be found in our sport.

DOG PEOPLE

Dog people are a special breed not usually recognized by the Canine governing bodies. 
They usually have crates in their living rooms.
They keep messy houses, but their kennels are spotless.
They can always find a show catalog within an arms reach.
And they have kids who know more about the birds and the bees when they are five than most people know at 40.
Dog people will drive 400 miles; spend $100 on gas, $200 on a motel Room and $150 on meals to bring home a 25-cent ribbon.
Dog people drive trucks, vans, and motor homes equipped to haul crates.
And they can never be reached on weekends, unless you happen to be at the same show.
They have trouble getting to work on time but can be at ringside by 8:00a.m.
Dog people will give up a $150,000 home in the suburbs to move to a shack on 10 acres so they can have a $150,000 dog kennel.
Dog people have children who grow up believing "Bitch" is just another household word.
Dog people pay the mortgage 10 days late BUT never miss a closing date for entries.
Dog people use dog food bags for trash and trashcans for dog food.
Dog people talk on the phone for hours to another dog person in a language known only to dog people.
Dog people have parents & family who think they've lost their minds, neighbors who think they're strange and doggy friends who think they're terrific!!


Author unknown.


Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day.  Now we do not see you any more.  We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, "No problem!  I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me.  Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a Dog to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.


And dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride.  They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration.  Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, "No problem!  I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are.  The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created a Cat to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them.

And when Adam and Eve gazed into cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

And Cat really didn't give a shit one way or the other.

 

Dear Dogs

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two dogs in the way.

  The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a pawprint in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by Nascar and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object.  Tripping me doesn't help, because I will fall faster than you can run.

I can not buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this.  Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.

When I am playing the pinball machine, jumping up and trying to grab the ball through the glass is not helpful. Barking at me because I'm not helping you achieve your goal does not win you any extra brownie points.

My compact discs are not miniature frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not  Necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is 1) kiss me, then 2) go smell the other dog's butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you guys to make.

 

DOG DEDICATION

DEDICATED - A word frequently used to describe pious people,  politicians, eager beavers, and very frequently used in the dog world to describe what might appear to be mass insanity.

DOG DEDICATION is:

Being able to unclench your teeth when you are fifth in a class of five.

Rushing into the ladies room for five minutes before ringtime to change you crummy slacks for your dashing new outfit, only to find no doors and a half grown boy waiting for his mommy. How come daddies never take daughters into the men's room?

Meeting your friends at 5:00 am while strolling around the parking lot wearing a dirty raincoat over your nightie.

Buying a $35 picture where you look like something left over from Halloween, but the dog looks great.

Getting down on you knees one more time and feeling your last pair of pantyhose shredding.

Crawling into the station wagon and cleaning up the results of nervous diarrhoea in the middle of summer

Resisting the impulse to abandon on the expressway the idiot who upchucks in his crate after you spent half the night grooming.

Crying your head off after selling a puppy, and two weeks later the ungrateful wretch doesn't even  remember you.

Spending three weeks preparing a super whelping box, then watching her whelp behind the couch.

Packing three suitcases for dog, and a shoebox for yourself.

Not screaming when the P.A. system goes berserk and you wind up scraping your dog off the ceiling.

Not strangling the clod behind you who steps on your heels and suddenly you are wearing only one shoe.

Riding 300 miles home after losing a major to a friend and still being friends.

Sleeping scrunched into a 2 x 2 foot ball, while tomorrow's star sprawls in total comfort in your bed.

Rolling out of a warm bed and crawling into a cold wagon on Sunday morning.

Warm puppies, wagging tails, and good friends who share what to others seems mass insanity.

DOG DICTIONARY

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command "sit!", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.

LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.  

SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dogs rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.

SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.